Why is it?

Why is it that when I feel like I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems to get pitch black again? At the drop of a hat…

I am really struggling this week. I am going to be blatantly honest with my posting today. I will probably let this one sit in the drafts folder for a while before it actually gets posted, because I am really laying my heart out. Almost being too open but this is my outlet. This is my open table. This is where I can just put my feelings out there and hope that most of you will just say a silent prayer for me. I worry a lot about what I put on this blog because, c’mon people, it’s the internet. I have NO idea who is reading this. Yes, I may see that I only have 5 followers but really they are the only ones that are willing to admit that they read my postings.

At the beginning of January, I made a commitment with myself, my husband and God that I would try harder to handle our finances better. We are trying to cut out all unnecessary monthly expenses and I think we have done all the “cutting out” that we can do. I am so sick and tired of living pay check to pay check. Do I know that I am not the only one that does this? Yes, of course I do, but I absolutely hate it. Yes, hate is a very strong word and I just don’t throw it out, but that is the word that has to be used here.

As we are coming upon the later part of January it seems as though our efforts are paying off just a little bit – efforts meaning cooking dinner at home every night, taking my lunch, not driving all over the place for unnecessary reasons. I think we have a very small nest egg (I am talking more like a tadpole egg) in our checking account until we get paid the next time. This would be considered our “light at the end of the tunnel”.

And then, a birthday for a special little man in our lives arrives. I thank God every day for the blessing that he gave us through Jackson. He means more to me than words could ever express. I will tell you that we haven’t been giving extravagant gifts to Jackson. Honestly, we just can’t afford it. And I know that he doesn’t care what he gets at this age, but as his mom, I want to be able to do everything for him.

So, yesterday on my lunch break, I ventured to Target to get his birthday party stuff. I was able to get him 2 toys and an outfit. Is that plenty, yes. And I am satisfied with my purchases, at this point, but to see my receipt. TO SEE MY RECEIPT!! I just cry. A co-worker of mine tells me not to worry, everything will work out. I know that it will. It is hard for it to sink in – especially when I don’t want to spend any money at all.

Then, I make a call to Jackson’s doctor because he has a horrible cough that is not getting better. It also sounds a little bit like croup. I was thinking that they could just send a prescription in to the pharmacy and we would be good. No, gotta take him in… especially if it is croup because he will have to get breathing treatments as well as maybe a steroid… another co-pay… on top of the costs of the prescriptions.

So, our tadpole egg has been cut in half and we still have another week before pay day. Now is where I would insert “pitch black”. Again. It is a never-ending cycle.

I am really not complaining, just venting. I know that we got ourselves in this situation on our own but we have to get out of it… and it will just take time and a lot of will power and prayer to get out of it. It is a lot like dieting, I guess.

I will need to take a few moments to reflect on the blessings through this.

1) Jackson is here and we are able to celebrate another birthday with him.
2) For the most part, he has been a very healthy baby/child.
3) We able to have very good insurance that covers the majority of our medical expenses.
4) We both have JOBS!

It really all could be worse. It is my prayer that I am able to overcome this darkness and see the blessings that do outweigh all of this. Thank you all for “listening”. Even all of you who don’t want me to know that you are “following” me. :)