Just words

I don't have any pictures to post today. Jackson hasn't napped well the past two days at day care so when he is home in the evening, all I can do is get him fed, bathed and in bed. No time for fun picture taking. For the past two nights, he has cried the whole time while in the bathtub. I am not sure what has brought this on. I am "chalking" it up to him being tired, but I really hope there isn't a new fear of water or anything. It really has been bothering me, especially tonight. Nothing would calm him. Nothing... no playing, no singing, no back washing, not even loving on him and trying to calm him. So, I bathed him as quickly as I could and got him out. He seemed to calm a little. Then every once in a while, it would start back up again during his dinner. Yes, tonight, I baked dinner while I bathed him and then fed him after his bath. Usually, we play while dinner is baking and then we bathe after dinner. However, I wanted to get him in bed as soon as possible. I don't like to hear him cry. It hurts my heart and then it really just starts to aggravate me because I don't know what is wrong.

I am sure it was only exhaustion today but I am really worried about the bathtub thing. The only thing I think about in relation to this crying senario is the one time I was talking to his pediatrician about him screaming when I lay him down to change him. This was about 6 months ago (it seems like) and he is still doing it (the screaming and crying) sometimes. The doctor says to me "he is relating his diaper changing to something bad that has happened to him when he was being changed or was laid down". UH HELLO!! Do you realize who you are telling this to? A first time mom. A mom that worries about everything. A mom that would never hurt her child. A mom that now second guesses just about everything she does when it comes to her baby. Maybe I just over reacted and I am sure he really didn't mean any harm, but I just can't shake that conversation.

I really only want what's best for him. I know he will never be perfect, but it really hurts to see him just cry like that.

Wow, this was really more emotional than I expected. I didn't think I would end up sitting in front of this blurred computer screen with tear-filled eyes. I guess I have just had some suppressed emotion about that conversation and it has finally all come out. But, you know what makes it all better? What makes the really hard evenings all better? I wake up in the morning and go in his room with his "brother" and he stands up in his crib and gives me the sweetest smile ever! One that just says "Good morning and I love you". Then he points to a stuffed animal on his shelf and says "OOOOK" through his pacifier telling me to "look". That just wipes all my worries away and makes me melt all over again.