Why is it?

Why is it that when I feel like I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems to get pitch black again? At the drop of a hat…

I am really struggling this week. I am going to be blatantly honest with my posting today. I will probably let this one sit in the drafts folder for a while before it actually gets posted, because I am really laying my heart out. Almost being too open but this is my outlet. This is my open table. This is where I can just put my feelings out there and hope that most of you will just say a silent prayer for me. I worry a lot about what I put on this blog because, c’mon people, it’s the internet. I have NO idea who is reading this. Yes, I may see that I only have 5 followers but really they are the only ones that are willing to admit that they read my postings.

At the beginning of January, I made a commitment with myself, my husband and God that I would try harder to handle our finances better. We are trying to cut out all unnecessary monthly expenses and I think we have done all the “cutting out” that we can do. I am so sick and tired of living pay check to pay check. Do I know that I am not the only one that does this? Yes, of course I do, but I absolutely hate it. Yes, hate is a very strong word and I just don’t throw it out, but that is the word that has to be used here.

As we are coming upon the later part of January it seems as though our efforts are paying off just a little bit – efforts meaning cooking dinner at home every night, taking my lunch, not driving all over the place for unnecessary reasons. I think we have a very small nest egg (I am talking more like a tadpole egg) in our checking account until we get paid the next time. This would be considered our “light at the end of the tunnel”.

And then, a birthday for a special little man in our lives arrives. I thank God every day for the blessing that he gave us through Jackson. He means more to me than words could ever express. I will tell you that we haven’t been giving extravagant gifts to Jackson. Honestly, we just can’t afford it. And I know that he doesn’t care what he gets at this age, but as his mom, I want to be able to do everything for him.

So, yesterday on my lunch break, I ventured to Target to get his birthday party stuff. I was able to get him 2 toys and an outfit. Is that plenty, yes. And I am satisfied with my purchases, at this point, but to see my receipt. TO SEE MY RECEIPT!! I just cry. A co-worker of mine tells me not to worry, everything will work out. I know that it will. It is hard for it to sink in – especially when I don’t want to spend any money at all.

Then, I make a call to Jackson’s doctor because he has a horrible cough that is not getting better. It also sounds a little bit like croup. I was thinking that they could just send a prescription in to the pharmacy and we would be good. No, gotta take him in… especially if it is croup because he will have to get breathing treatments as well as maybe a steroid… another co-pay… on top of the costs of the prescriptions.

So, our tadpole egg has been cut in half and we still have another week before pay day. Now is where I would insert “pitch black”. Again. It is a never-ending cycle.

I am really not complaining, just venting. I know that we got ourselves in this situation on our own but we have to get out of it… and it will just take time and a lot of will power and prayer to get out of it. It is a lot like dieting, I guess.

I will need to take a few moments to reflect on the blessings through this.

1) Jackson is here and we are able to celebrate another birthday with him.
2) For the most part, he has been a very healthy baby/child.
3) We able to have very good insurance that covers the majority of our medical expenses.
4) We both have JOBS!

It really all could be worse. It is my prayer that I am able to overcome this darkness and see the blessings that do outweigh all of this. Thank you all for “listening”. Even all of you who don’t want me to know that you are “following” me. :)

Slow Fade

I am really not sure why this song has been on my brain so often lately ... but it has. There is so much truth to the words of the song. The words really make me think about the many decisions in my life, good and bad, and how those decisions have made me who I am today.

I guess it "pounds" on my heart even more because I have Jackson now. Although, I do not want to shelter him from EVERY thing (reality has to hit sometime), there are so many things that I want to keep out of his little "bubble". This world has become so much of the devil it is really scary. My prayer is that Wayne and I will raise him to plainly "be careful". Bad decisions are SOOO much easier to make than good ones. We just have to make sure that we are making the decisions that God wants us to make.

Well, I really think I am rambling. I am not sure if this made any sense as I am not sure really what to say. However, here are the words to "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns.

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

life changes after baby

I always knew that my life would change after having a child. It would no longer be about Wayne, myself, and Bobo... I was prepared for that. I knew that it was going to take 30 extra mintues to get out of the house, 3 extra peices of luggage, 6 extra car trunks in my car and so on... but did I ever really realize the emotions?

I have really had one of those days where I am not really having a so-called "pitty party day" but I am really emotional. Wayne keeps asking me to get out of my funk and I have just plainly stated, "if I could just cry, I would be better". Nothing really would strike the tears that I needed though. Until this afternoon when a couple of certain instances just combined on top of each other and it all just hit me.

This is how it all started. We went to church this morning and boy am I glad I did. I really gotta preachin' too. Pastor preached on being a milli-second too late in making a decision about your eternity. I don't want to go into much detail about that part of the sermon because that would be taking this blog session way off track. However, in part of his sermon, he reference abortion. This is a very soft subject for me, always has been and always will be -- even more so now that I have my own child. This is a soft subject because I have never understood why someone -- especially a baby's mother -- would have the heart to murder an/their unborn child. Yes, I said it: MURDER! I have always referred to abortion as murder and always will. Well, Pastor began referencing a story he read. He told of a woman who used to work as an ultrasound tech at an abortion clinic. Apparently, they monitor the baby when the procedure is done. She was in the midst of an abortion procedure one day and she watched a baby move as she held the monitor on the mother's belly. Then she watched the probe (murder weapon) insert the uterus. She then watched the baby try to move away from the probe. She then looked up to see a group of protestors outside and realized that she was meant to be out there. Pastor proceeded to say that the woman didn't work for the clinic much longer.

Today, I just sat and tears filled my eyes as he told that story. I relived the moment I saw Jackson in my belly during our ultrasounds and how much joy I had at that moment. Again, I just don't how could anyone hurt an innocent child like that. So, of course, at that moment I could just cry out like I really wanted too, so I held it in and the image remained plastered in my brain for the rest of the afternoon.

Then, as Jackson was napping, Wayne and I were watching a TV show on TLC today -- "Women of Broward County". Yes, you guessed it, it is a cop show and is tells the lives of the women officers that work for Broward County. I do find the show interesting sometimes, much better than COPS. Today just happened to be an episode that involved a kidnapped child. The missing boy was 3 years old and had several brain surgeries and was very prone to seizures. The mother had sole custody of the child and the father had his new fiance "kidnap" the child and take him on an airplane to California. The mother advised the officers that he shouldn't fly at all because of his conditions. They were able to get the boy before they got on the plane. The boy only had a shirt and a diaper on. When the boy and the mother were re-united, I teared up again. I just couldn't imagine the mental state I would be in if I ever lost Jackson in a kidnapping or something of the sorts.

Then a commericial for either a movie or a documentary show came on about hurt children. I think they were disabled, not hurt by another person. And, I had had it. The tears came and when Wayne asked what was wrong, my answer this time was "Why does everything have to be about a hurting/suffering child today?" I did cry and Wayne was the good husband in consoling me. He knew himself, that I just needed to get it out. When I did, I slept for about an hour and then I was fine. Jackson woke from his nap and we played, laughed, and I sang some while he danced.

I guess the moral of this is to NEVER take your life lightly. I have really started to see things in a different light now. Decisions are made differently. Thoughts come through my mind differently. Also, I have really pondered on this lately... Life is too short. Spend every moment you can with and loving your family and friends. Make sure your plans for eternity are set. Don't wait for tomorrow, because you might be a half a second too late.